Driving back to Port Orchard felt very strange to Calvin. There were no zombies after them. Kari had given him a serious tongue lashing on the ride back from Oregon. Sara wasn’t talking to anybody. Gemma would not shut up about wanting to stop at every single fast food restaurant they saw a sign for. Except for Harris being too shell shocked to hit on Kari, things were basically back to normal.
Then they arrived at Calvin’s parents’ house.
A dozen motorcycles, three muscle cars, and an old mini school bus that had been painted to look like a giant boxy wolf were parked in front of the house. Burly men and women, mostly clad in black leather and spiky necklaces with more tattoos and piercings than they had fingers, milled about amicably on the lawn.
“What the hell is this?” Kari asked Calvin as they drove up.
“I have no idea, but my mom is going to freak out,” Calvin answered.
“They’re just being polite, silly,” Marla told him. She had switched back and forth between Marla and Nel several times during the four hour car ride, but evidently now it was convenient for her to be her own evil twin. “Any supernatural, especially one of your own kind, will ask permission from the local Guardian before conducting any business in their territory.”
“Wait...I’m really the Guardian of Kitsap County?” Calvin had thought that his attempted murder of Tim Kane, business werewolf had voided that title. Although, evidently Sara had lied about werewolves not being able to regenerate while in human form. It had all been part of Marla’s master plan to maneuver Calvin to where she wanted him.
“Of course! Not everything we told you was a lie.” Marla rolled her mismatched eyes.
“So all these people are werewolves who want my permission to conduct business in my territory? Let me guess, that means you’ll be sticking around and setting up shop here.” Calvin sighed. While he hadn’t really expected Marla to pack up and leave, he had certainly been hoping that he had been wrong about that!
“Exactly. And I would really take it as a kindness if you gave them permission to do so.” Marla chuckled. They both knew that even though Calvin was strong enough to take her and her minions in a fight, he couldn’t keep all the people he cared about safe all the time. Crossing Marla meant putting people he loved at risk.
“Of course,” Calvin replied good naturedly.
“Oh dear lord!” Calvin’s mother exclaimed when she got out of her car and saw all the bikers on her lawn. “What...how...Calvin!”
“Easy there, mom,” Calvin said soothingly as he climbed out of Sara’s van.
“Calvin! Just look at them! They’re all...and...ARGH!” she wailed.
“Mom. Calm down. These are just some werewolf friends from out of town. They need my permission to enter my territory. You’re going to have to get somewhat used to this now that you know all about my secret,” Calvin explained calmly.
“Fine,” his mother replied sullenly. “But I’m not making them tea,” she declared as she stomped up the driveway and into the house without looking at the assembled werewolves.
“When have you ever made guests tea?” Calvin wondered aloud. “Do we even have tea in the house?”
Then the werewolves approached him respectfully. It felt very odd. “Guardian,” one of them said in a very official and somber tone, “May we conduct business within your territory? We swear that we shall not harm you or yours.”
Calvin nodded. “You may. Go in peace,” he added belatedly. He decided that if he was going to be making things up as he went along, he might as well make it sound official.
The werewolves all nodded appreciatively and began to depart. Calvin heaved a sigh of relief. He had been mildly concerned that the werewolves wouldn’t take him seriously in his juicy pink sweatpants and slut tank top.
Calvin rubbed his eyes tiredly. It was Sunday afternoon and he was going to have to go to school tomorrow, which seemed insane after everything that had happened since Thursday. And he was going to have to do homework before going to bed tonight. What kind of werewolf has homework?
Calvin trudged into the house while everyone else drove off in their respective cars. When he reached his room he flopped down on his bed. His cell phone immediately buzzed over on his desk where he had set it. Groaning, he stood and looked at his phone. It was a text from Rhoslyn. She had stayed in Oregon with her fairy family, obviously.
“Did you get home safely?” her text said.
“Yes,” Calvin wrote back. “Marla met a bunch of werewolves on my parents’ lawn, but it all went down peacefully. How is the fairy court?”
“Fine. They’re all a little worried over having so much happen in our territory. They want me to go up and visit you to make sure things aren’t getting out of hand. Is that okay?” she asked.
“Of course. It would be good to see you again. Did you tell them about Marla’s evil plan to start a war and expose the whole supernatural world?”
“Yes. They don’t believe it’s possible. I think they’re just too scared to believe it. So it’s okay for me to come for a visit tomorrow?”
“Definitely,” Calvin replied.
“Great! See you then.”
Calvin pulled his math book out of his backpack and started doing his homework, all the while muttering to himself how ridiculous it was to be doing math problems right on the heels of saving his family and friends from zombies. When he finally went to sleep that night he was utterly exhausted. Hopefully tomorrow would be a normal day, aside from his new friend the fairy coming to visit any way.
Monday was not a normal day. In fact, Calvin was fairly certain that he was never going to have a normal day again. He stood in the commons with his mouth agape. Kari and Harris stood next to him in similar states of dumbfoundedness.
“This is your fault,” Kari finally said accusingly to Calvin.
Calvin shrugged. “Yeah. It probably is.”
“I don’t...what...um...God dammit!” Harris screamed, earning him a dirty look from a passing teacher.
All three of them were staring, hopelessly puzzled, at Logan inexpertly flirting with a disinterested girl, just like he would be doing on any other given Monday morning. He was back to his normal height and pudginess. When Calvin had first seen him he had immediately panicked and scanned the area for Sara, but so far she was nowhere to be seen.
“What do we do?” Kari asked tentatively.
“I guess we go talk to him,” Calvin said.
“About what?” Harris asked.
Calvin shrugged again. “I have no Goddamn idea. What did we used to talk to him about?”
“Mostly about what a dumbass he was,” Kari answered without missing a beat. “Ugh. Look at him, he’s still being a dumbass!”
The girl Logan was talking to was very obviously trying to walk away and escape the conversation, but Logan was walking away with her.
“Oh, it’s painful to watch!” Harris covered his eyes. “Even Calvin isn’t that bad at talking to girls!”
“Hey, I’m right here!” Calvin retorted.
“Calvin never talks to girls,” Kari chided. “That would ruin his carefully crafted reputation as a crotchety old man.” She smirked.
“This is really not the time to be mocking my love life. Hulk Logan just reappeared as regular Logan. We need to figure out if he’s still an mindless brute being controlled by Sara or if he’s back to his old dumbass self,” Calvin said.
“Fine. You’re right,” Kari admitted grudgingly. “Go save that girl, that was a thing you used to do. Then you can see if Logan hulks out on you.”
Calvin rolled his eyes. “Great plan.” But he went over to them anyway.
“...so that’s what I mean about those guys not respecting who you really are. You know, on the inside. As a real person,” Logan was droning on at the girl.
Calvin tapped Logan’s shoulder. “There you are!”
As soon as Logan turned his head the girl he had been talking to darted away into the crowd behind her. Calvin swore she mouthed the words “thank you” to him before she disappeared entirely.
“Oh hey, buddy!” Logan said brightly when he saw Calvin. “How was your weekend?”
Calvin’s eyes bulged in surprise, but he covered it as quickly as he could. “Ummm...alright, I guess. You know, the usual stuff. What about you? Anything exciting happen?”
Logan shook his head. “Nah. I thought I had a date with Kelsi Peters, but then when I showed up at the movie theater there were a bunch of her friends there too. It wasn’t a date,” he said sadly.
“That’s rough, man. I’m sorry. Well, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I’ll see you in English class.” Calvin waved and then walked back to Harris and Kari.
“Well?” Kari asked eagerly.
“Either he’s suddenly become and even better liar than Sara or he remembers nothing. He even has fake memories of some girl inviting him to the movies with a bunch of her friends,” Calvin explained.
“He thought it was a date, didn’t he?” Harris snickered.
“Not the important detail to latch onto, Harris.” Calvin glowered at his friend. “So it looks like between Sara and Marla they were able to turn him back into a real boy and replace his memories.”
“Wonderful. Do you think they did it so Logan could spy on us for them?” Kari guessed.
“Probably,” Calvin agreed. “The real question though, is why do they still think we’re a big enough threat to spy on?”
“You do know all about Marla’s evil plan. Maybe she wants to keep an eye on you to make sure you don’t tip off the head werewolf lady or any of the other supernatural factions,” Kari speculated.
Calvin nodded. “That makes sense. Crap! It’s also damn inconvenient. The Oregon Rose Fairies are sending Rhoslyn up for a visit tonight.”
“What do you think Marla will do about it when she finds out?” Kari asked.
“No idea. She’s so bat-shit crazy, she could do anything from stop by with a pinata and balloons to covering my house in a dome of zombies so Rhoslyn can’t ever reach the front door.” Calvin shook his head. “I guess we just wait and see.”
“So. Rhoslyn is coming for a visit.” Harris nudged Calvin with his elbow. “Won’t that be lovely. Huh? Huh?” He winked conspiratorially.
Calvin sighed. The fairy girl was very cute, but he wasn’t about to let Harris know he thought that. “Shut up, Harris.”
“If you need any ideas for good first dates-” Harris started.
Kari interrupted him. “Be sure not to listen to him.” She smacked Harris upside his head. “Rhoslyn isn’t one of your dumb floozies. Take her somewhere nice,” Kari told Calvin.
“This still isn’t a date,” Calvin reminded them both. “And we have more serious problems to consider than my love life.”
“Is there a more dire situation than Calvin’s love life?” Harris asked Kari.
Kari put a finger to her chin thoughtfully. “You know, Harris. I don’t know that there is. He really seems like the very definition of a lost cause.”
“Very funny, you two.” Calvin rolled his eyes. “Now can we please talk about something else?”
“Maybe we can trick him into getting dressed up by telling him there’s a formal wear only Pinochle tournament happening tonight?” Kari suggested, ignoring Calvin entirely.
“Or Bridge! Old men love Bridge!” Harris exclaimed. “And we’ll tell him there will be hot cakes! Nothing gets a crotchety old geezer excited like breakfast food!”
“Yes!” Kari agreed. “And that there will be eight different types of syrup! But we’ll have to make sure he knows it’s fancy syrup. He’s not getting dressed to the nines just for some cheap International House of Pancakes knockoff.”
“Freaking hilarious. That’s what you two knuckleheads are,” Calvin said dryly.
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