Liam was fairly certain it was possible to choose a worse shore party, he just wasn’t sure how. He was on Telisan with Irene, Ursula, and Selandra to retrieve Markov’s sister Marigold. The Telisan authorities had laughed at him despite dropping General Siderus’ name when he had told them the same escaped experiment that had wiped out Dartmax was about to land here. Not that he really blamed them, it was an utterly ridiculous sounding story.
“Such a...quaint little planet,” Selandra said with a sneer on her lips.
“Marigold’s pies more than make up for what it lacks in cultural refinement, don’t worry.” Irene was walking in front so Liam could keep an eye on her. “Do mind your portions, however. Markov’s sister is a firm believer that if one cup of butter is good, two is better.”
“Excuse me, ma’am.” Ursula stopped a passing mother with two toddlers in a stroller. “Please flee the planet, monsters are coming that will devour you and your children.”
The woman’s eyes bulged fearfully and she sped away from Ursula.
“You’re welcome!” Ursula shouted after her.
“Please stop doing that,” Liam told her. “They’re afraid of you, not your warning.”
“What? Why?” Ursula frowned after the fleeing young mother.
“Well...you’re a bit...terrifying with your shaved head, scars, tattoos, and guns,” Liam answered hesitantly.
“But these are my dress guns!” Ursula protested.
“And they’re quite lovely,” Irene said from the front of their little group.
“See? She gets me.” Ursula nodded and continued walking.
Liam wondered again how the captain managed to control Ursula on these little missions, much less Irene. Actually, he knew how the Irene part always worked out - badly for them.
“There it is.” Irene pointed to Marigold’s Merry Golden Diner. It was on a busy street corner and several portly couples were waiting outside eagerly for an open table.
“Why is everyone here overweight?” Selandra whispered to Liam as they pushed their way inside the diner.
“Repeat customers,” Liam whispered back. "Marigold! So good to see you again, we need to get the hell out of here." He had to shout to be heard over the lively diner chatter.
"You keep a civil tongue in your head, Doctor Liam! My mama didn't raise me to tolerate cussers in my diner!" Marigold shot back as she set a piece of pie down for an elderly man with at least three chins.
Liam rolled his eyes. "Very well. Miss Markov, would you kindly come with us immediately and please encourage all of your patrons to get off of Telisan."
"But we're serving pumpkin pie today! We can't close up shop on pumpkin pie day!" Marigold protested.
"Well since it's pie day, I suppose we could delay the apocalypse for a little while," Irene pointed at a table occupied by a cute teenage couple and Ursula slammed her fists down on the table, showering sparks in every direction. The youngsters fled and Irene sat down casually. "Bring us a few slices?" She asked Marigold sweetly.
Liam crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I thought time was of the essence, yet now we have time for pie?"
"Just so. Now you, Doctor Frowny Face, sit down and get ready to have the best pumpkin pie you've ever eaten." Irene patted the seat beside her and waited for Selandra to sit down.
Selandra also crossed her arms and added a nice glare in Irene's direction. "You may have these idiots wrapped around your finger, but if you think I'm asking how high whenever you say jump, you've got another thing coming."
Irene made an amused little chuckling sound. When Marigold brought the pie out a second later, Selandra's stomach growled at the heavenly smell. "Here's a fork, dearie." Irene slid a fork across the table to the plate closest to Selandra.
Selandra sat down with a scowl and dug into her slice of pumpkin pie.
"Would you care to explain why we suddenly have an abundance of spare time?" Liam asked. Marigold stood at his side, persistently offering him a plate full of pie, but he refused to uncross his arms.
Irene took a slow, considering bite of pie and then slid her plate over to Selandra, who had nearly finished her piece. Ursula's plate sat untouched, she was busy trying-unsuccessfully-to organize the salt and pepper packets in a way that satisfied all of her many neuroses. "We have time because I say we have time," Irene informed him pleasantly.
"And what does that mean?" Liam pressed. Marigold gave up trying to get him to eat and sat down next to Selandra to enjoy a slice of pie for herself. Selandra took a contemplative look down at her belt and then began eating Irene's pie anyway.
Irene smiled, clearly overjoyed that he had asked that exact question. "It means that until I press this button," she pulled a small device out of her coat pocket, "that plant will sit on Dartmax, but the second I press it," she jammed her thumb down on the little blue buttons "we have about thirty seconds until it lands right on top of us."
Liam grabbed Marigold and Selandra, each by their wrist and hauled them out of their chairs towards the exit.
"Thanks for the ride, give Markov my love when he wakes up!" Irene called after him.
"Ursula, back to the ship!" Liam ordered and for once she did exactly as he said.
Irene stood calmly as they fled and the last Liam saw of her was when she engaged some new device on her wrist and strolled towards the back exit.
“What’s happening?” Marigold asked.
“Irene got us again, Goddammit! How could I be so stupid?” Liam cursed. “That plant wasn’t going anywhere until she activated that damn beacon! She tricked us into taking her off world by using Marigold against Markov!”
“Wow. She is good,” Selandra remarked, actually sounding impressed for once.
Liam had seen the effects of an in-atmosphere FTL jump during the war, but that only made it more terrifying to experience now, years later. First the vacuum sucks in everything, including sound. Then everything within the bubble being jumped in explodes outward. No one else knows what the silence means, but Liam did and he hit the dirt, dragging Marigold and Selandra down with him.
Selandra screamed as a piece of Marigold’s diner tore through her leg. Not even lying prone on the pavement was a safe place to be when another part of the universe crams itself into the one you’re inhabiting. Liam turned to see the crumbling shell of the cavern wall that the plant’s root cluster had been hidden in as it collapsed. A writhing mass of vines and thorns remained as the rock around it tumbled.
Vines immediately began to snake out from the root cluster, devastating buildings, people, and vehicles. Liam pulled Selandra to her feet, but she could only stand when she leaned against him. “Ursula, get Marigold back to the ship!” he ordered.
“Come along, Auntie Marigold,” Ursula chirped happily as she helped Marigold to her feet. The two of them sped off much faster than Liam and Selandra could move.
“I...appreciate...this,” Selandra said through clenched teeth as she dragged her wounded leg along behind her.
Something exploded behind them and panicked citizens were fleeing in every direction. “Don’t thank me until we get back to the Mako alive,” Liam told her.
“I think I can help with that.” Selandra drew Liam’s pistol from his hip and fired it into the windshield of a passing car. The driver swerved, crashed into a park car, and then jumped out to resume his flight on foot. “You can drive, I hear guys like it when you let them drive.” Selandra slumped against Liam and dropped his gun as she lost consciousness.
Liam scooped Selandra up into his arms and shoved her indelicately into the back seat before taking the wheel. He whipped the vehicle around in a quick turn and drove like mad for the spaceport. They arrived right behind Ursula, who was carrying Marigold on her back and laughing raucously.
“Get us in the air!” Liam shouted at Qadira over the intercom as soon as they were on board.
“Where to?” Qadira asked as the cargo bay doors closed and the engines fired up.
“Anywhere, Goddammit!” Liam yelled back.
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